My Firstborn’s Birth Story
I felt those itchy hands and feet an in an instant—everything changed.
Cholestatis. Dirty blood circulating through my system making it dangerous for my baby to stay inside. He would have to come out as soon as possible.
What had been a planned home birth became “pack your overnight bags and go to the hospital." I didn't know what to expect but I felt mostly calm. I had actually been saying for weeks that whatever needed to happen for the labor and birth would be what it would be. At the hospital we were brought to our room and I engaged my Enneagram 9 to cast an illusion for myself that all would be well and this was fine.
But…It felt so medical. So uncozy. I was scared to get induced. I have a low pain tolerance, and I am also not a night person…but at around 10 pm I was ready to get the Pitocin drip. The pitocin was so intense giving me contractions that are more painful than without the concentrated drug. When I was only 4 cm and exhausted from the rapid contractions I knew that I had to get an epidural to make it through the remainder of labor. I knew that my body needed rest and that I needed a break from the pain. My midwife (turned doula after the transfer to hospital care) and husband were shocked and tried to back me down. But I knew. Given all of the circumstances I would need to get a true rest in order to make it through the rest of the night.
If I had been at home or a birthing center with herbs and a tub and all the lotion and all the massage and all of my comforts this would have been different. I probably could have made it through without an epidural and had an epic birthing experience that way. But it wasn’t those circumstances. I was at the hospital, and I listened to my body and my intuition telling me that the best way to care for me and my baby was to get this drug.
Fast forward many hours later and I had rested. It was glorious and exactly what I needed. I was ready to push and breathe and follow the cheerleading that was about to ensue. With my mom, my husband, my midwife-turned-doula and the hospital birthing staff I pushed for 40 minutes and my son was born at 10:39 am on February 25th, 2020.
2 hours later he was in the NICU due to a suspected lung infection and impaired oxygen levels. As I healed and tried to wrap my mind and body around having birthed for the first time and now becoming a mother to a newborn in the intensive care unit, I believe I went into shock. Having to learn everything in a traumatic situation was so overwhelming and emotional but there was nothing I could do. Learned to pump and breastfeed was so hard.
Healing from a second degree tear made it impossible for me to sit with my son in the NICU for longer than 30 minutes as it was painful to be upright in the hospital chairs. I sobbed every day knowing I couldn’t be with him the way I wanted and that he was alone without his parents in a strange place.
Knowing I couldn’t do anything to resolve the situation, I just tried to do my best and lean on my mom, dad, and Keith’s parents for support. My mentor and my womb sisterhood held powerful prayers and brought food when we were finally discharged.
Driving home after what felt like an eternity (and if you birthed in the hospital how exhausting is it that staff bother you almost constantly so you can’t rest?!) and I cried the whole way.
The intensity didn’t stop at home, but at least I could hold my baby every day and night and try to make up for the lost close contact.
Then 2 weeks after we brought him home the pandemic started which point I didn’t hear from my midwives, I wasn’t allowed to come see my OB in person, and my postpartum doula vanished without a word. While dear womb sisters continued to drop off food I had exactly zero help to navigate my first postpartum, other than my husband who helped when he could but regularly worked 10 hour days.
It has taken a long time to come to terms with how traumatic and difficult being a first time mom with a NICU stay and then a pandemic has been for me, my son, and my husband. And while we are happily raising him and now our almost 1 year old I will never get over the sorrows and mistakes and wish I could have done it better.
I have friends who had babies in the NICU for 2 months or 4 months…friends who have miscarried for years…friends who have one but haven’t been able to conceive another. The journey to parenthood and the journey of parenting is beyond anything you can comprehend if you haven’t lived it yourself. Mamas need so much care and support.
What was your birthing story? How is your parenting path going? In what ways do you need support? How will you allow in the support and care that you need?
Let me know. I really, really wanna know. Send me an email!
And if you’re local to the Seattle area and we haven’t yet connected, let’s grab coffee or tea! I’d love to connect.
Sending all the love,
Chani